#14 – Over- and misuse the phrase “your mom”

In Uncategorized on April 21, 2011 at 8:12 AM

Here’s an example of a good “your mom” joke:

“Dear World,

Your mom thought I was big enough.

Sincerely, Pluto”

Here’s an example of a horrible “your mom” joke:

“What’s black and white and red all over? Your mom!”

Deadpan is funny 20% of the time.  Douche-y, stupid jokes are funny 100% of the time… to the douche.  Amuse yourself by frequently making terrifyingly awful jokes.  But if you want to be “funny” you need to respect some rules of thumbs (yeah, that phrase isn’t correct).

  1. Only use “that’s what she said” when it makes no sense contextually.  You can’t be “funny” if you’re actually funny, and vice-versa.  Take it from me, it’s very difficult.  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  (Also, if you want to be a lovable douche, use the word contextually when contextually incorrect.)
  2. If you just can’t resist that tantalizing “TWSS” joke, try saying “that’s what your step-mom said” instead.  It makes it sound weirder.
  3. Never be inappropriate. Always be VERY inappropriate!
  4. Try making a “your mom” or “TWSS” joke at least 30 seconds after a joke possibility appears. Usually it’s best to wait 45-70 seconds.

#13 – Talk frequently about the four weeks you spent in Bosnia and Herzegovina

In Uncategorized on April 14, 2011 at 7:45 AM

“I wasn’t on a mission trip… well, that depends on what you mean by mission trip.  I was on a mission… to find what life means when you diversify your personality and outlook on broadening horizons.  So I guess you could say I’m an American hero.  Also a chick magnet.”

“I bought  a water purifier, and I still use it sometimes.  Water is really expensive, so I just collect rainwater with a little jar, then I cleanse it with ease.  It’s really simple!”

“They have all these weird Fanta flavors over there in Boss-nia and Her-va-ji-va-no.  Like they have this purple one and this red one… and if you drink the blue one while chewing Plesf [made up Bosnian gum], you like get high or something.”

#12 – Create nicknames for famous people like Prezbama, Lebronny, or Ri-ri

In Uncategorized on April 11, 2011 at 1:44 AM

To preface this modicum of boring dribble, I should tell you that I love all three of the people in the title.  Glenn Beck should be fired.  Skip Bayless, I hope you get hit with an Akron Hammer (see what I did there).  And Chris Brown… well, I don’t want to get arrested, so I shouldn’t say anything about that.

1. Prezbama

What’s not to love about this nickname?  It has everything in it… President AND Obama.  You can’t ask for more than that.  Unless you’re Tim Pawlenty, I guess.  (Bad political jokes are always funny.  Learn how to use them.  Then use them.)

2. Charchar Shesheen

My friend, Sugar Hunney, is one of Charlie Sheen’s goddesses.  She claims that sometimes he’ll call her “Charchar Shesheen” because “there is no prettier name.”  He often yells it during sex, she says.

3. Moammy G

No explanation needed.  No explanation given.

4. Lebronny

SNL fans could call him Shy Lebronny…

5. Phil Rivs

It really bothers me that Sandy Aygo San Diego Chargers Quarterback Philip Rivers spells his name with only one ‘l’.  Therefore, in order to avoid spelling his awful name, I must shorten it.  Phil Rivs is simply the most logical name for him.

6. Ri or RiRi

Don’t ever call Rihanna either of those names!  What is a “Ri,” anyway?!?!  And how do you pronounce “Ri”?  Is it like “rye bread” or “wreath”?